


P.S. I Love You

by honeypower



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeypower/pseuds/honeypower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zoe is gone, but she has left some thing behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance if there are any mistakes. English is not my first language.

Levi tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but to no avail. His head throbbed, his body ached and he had long given up on trying to rationalize what had happened. One week had passed since the expedition had returned. Without Zoe.  
  
The past days had been a blur of sounds and vision. He knew that people had been whispering behind his back, but he didn't care. Without her nothing seemed to really matter anymore. How could it be, that it felt like it was just hours ago when he last held her in his arms? Her outburst of emotions, her obsession with titans and knowledge, the way she always seemed to carry an air of motion wherever she went, fidgeting and touching everything. Only now did he notice how much life she had brought into his existence.  
  
He ran the last moments they shared together over and over in his mind. She mounted her horse, the Scouting Legion cape proudly hanging from her shoulders. She had her goggles on, she smiled, he let go of her hand, she said "See you in two days!" and rode off to join the rest of the convoy. Cheerful and vibrant as ever, itching for battle. Minutes before that they had shared hasty, greedy kisses in the stables. Confessions and promises whispered in the dark, because the military was not a place where affection could be displayed publicly. What a fool he had been, he thought to himself. He should have kissed her every day, in the middle of the town square for all to see. But now it was too late for such thoughts...  
  
In this vulnerable state, his mind began to wander. What if she was still somewhere out there? After all, they had not even brought her body back. The graveyard had a simple stone with her name carved in it, but nothing lay below it. She had simply vanished out of his life. Or had she? Surely there was a chance she was dying of thirst somewhere, maybe in a forest of giant trees. Out of gas, without a horse or a smoke gun. He hastily rose out of bed, forgetting how tired and beat up his body was. Within minutes he was dressed, and locking his door behind him. The sun was about to set, it was an excellent time to embark. He would ride out in the cover of darkness and begin searching for her first thing in the morning. Arriving at the stables he put on his 3D maneuver gear, choose his favorite horse and rode to the main gate.  
  
"Open up, I'm leaving," he said to the Garrison guards. They saluted and stood at attention, but soon joined in with the rest of the whispering around them. They had never seen the corporal in such a state, unshaven, messy and maybe even drunk.  
  
"Corporal Levi sir, we have no orders to open the gate today. And even if we were to open it now, there is no backup to secure your path out of the city. Not to mention...," the squad leader on duty looked around nervously, "...are you planning to leave alone?"  
  
"Did I fucking stutter? I said open the gates." Flinching at his words, the Garrison guards exchanged concerned glances, lost for words.  
  
"I see..., none of you assholes will open the gate for me. Well, then I'll simple have to make you do it." Getting off his horse, his small stature became even more evident. He drew his swords and charged, making the guards and bystanders scatter in all directions.  
  
"What the hell do you think you are doing, Levi?" It was Mike, with his abnormal nose, who had apparently already sniffed out what was going on.  
  
"Isn't it obvious. I need to leave and these good-for-nothings won't let me through," he said lowering his swords.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Mike asked. "Put those swords down, they're for fighting titans not humans."  
  
"You're right," Levi said trying to feign a smile. "I was just playing with them. I know they'll open the gates for me. They can't just refuse orders." He threw the swords to the ground holding back tears.  
  
"Let's go, You need something to eat and some rest."  
  
"What do you mean? I thought you were going to help me, Mike. I thought you were my friend. I need to get out of here. I need to find her!"  
  
"There is nothing you can do anymore. You won't find her."  
  
"You don't know for sure. None of you know. Where is her body? Where is the proof? She could be out there somewhere starving or dying of thirst!"  
  
"That's not how things work, Levi!" Mike shouted, grabbing his friend by the shoulders and shaking him.  
  
"Don't touch me asshole! You were there when it happened! Why didn't you make sure she came back!?" And with those words the first punch was thrown. Mike tried to wrestle and pin him to the ground, but Levi's tiny body was strong and agile, so he managed to slip out of his grasp.  
  
"Don't come near me, assholes! Don't touch me with your filthy hands!" A group of about five strong men had surrounded him, trying to convince him to stop.  
  
"You're just making a scene! This is not like you!" And indeed a crowd had gathered to watch this most peculiar exchange of blows.  
  
"What do you know about me, huh? You know nothing! None of you motherfuckers knows anything about me-" Suddenly he went flying through the air and landed hard on the gravel. Unbeknownst to him, Nanaba had been approaching him from behind, ready to tackle the corporal by surprise. Immediately the other men jumped into action, pinning Levi, who was still trying to wriggle around, to the ground.  
  
"You traitors! All of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Back-stabbing me like this! This is the only thing I ever asked of you and this is what I get? Do you know how much I've done for you? Don't you know I am humanities strongest?!"  
  
Gossip of the nervous breakdown traveled fast across the city. By the end of the week everybody had heard about it and all kinds of exaggerations had been added to the story. Twenty men had been needed to hold the corporal down. He threatened to let the titans into the city. Five people were injured by his blade. He beat his own friend until he was unconscious.  
  
In the meantime Levi had cooled down and decided to look himself up in his quarters instead. He spent hours sleeping, drinking and talking to himself. Re-living conversations they had had, arguing about titans or bathing schedules and other benign things. His breakdown embarrassed him, and he could not find any reason to go for meetings or training sessions. A good friend that he was, Mike still visited him everyday, leaving fresh food and water at the door.   
  
Five days had gone by when Mike brought a message along with his daily food delivery.  
"I don't know how you are doing, but you are eating the food I've been bringing, which is good," Mike yelled in front of the locked door. "Irvin really wants to see you by the way. He told me to let you know that."  
  
"Tell Irvin to go fuck him self," Levi shouted without looking up from the chaos he had created in his office.  
  
"Fine, I'll tell him you said hi."  
  
For some inexplicable reason, he had began to go through all his paperwork from past expeditions, taking a shot of liquor each time he found his signature under a death certificate. There were hundreds if not more. This is how he had spent his day, trying to beat death by drinking it away. Until he spotted something glistening in the back of a drawer. As he drew it out completely, dropping even more paper to the ground, a key fell out. He picked it remembering exactly when she had given it to him. It was the day after he had wanted to surprise her, but had failed miserably. Looking back he should have seen it coming, but hindsight was always twenty-twenty. The plan had been to let himself into her room while she was not there and leave a present on her table. A little something he had picked up from _Bath & Body_ so she would finally wash that hair of hers.  
  
Pick locking was no big deal for him and within seconds her door had opened. They had been close for some time, but had never gotten around to exchanging their keys. And old habits die hard. The lights were off so she was not yet there. He pushed it open and was about to step in, only to be welcomed by a double sword wielding crazed woman, leaping at him out of the darkness. Her battle-cry pierced the air  and she came at him with the intent to kill. Only his reflexes and the fact that she was still wearing her goggles had saved his life. She sunk to the ground shivering and sobbing and told him she had thought he was a murder. "I didn't mean to kill you, Levi. By Sina, I almost killed you. Why couldn't you just knock, like normal people?" she sobbed loudly while snot hung from her nose. He stood in her doorway, rooted to the ground, his heart racing, slowly beginning to process what had happened. There was no insult in the world that could have expressed what he felt. The next day she gave him a key and told him he could let himself in anytime he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this draft gathering dust for some time, then I read through it and decided to post it anyway. I know I always complain about fics that kill off Hanji as if the angst wasn't bad enough as it is, but then I wrote this and it felt good somehow. I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Chapter 2 will be posted shortly.


	2. Chapter 2

He spun the key in his fingers not sure whether he was ready to unlock her door or not. He had not been back since her departure and standing there knowing she would not open for him or join him later or jump out of a corner and scare him was slowly driving him mad. While his mind wanted him to leave immediately, run as far as possible his hand moved by it's own volition. He unlocked the door and entered.

Strangely her room was still filled with that strange essence that had radiated off her at all times. It still felt alive. As if she had just gone to run an errand and would return any moment. He closed and locked the door behind him and began to look around. For the first time he did not see chaos, but all the little things she had left her mark on. Scribbles written in her handwriting. Her notes scattered around her desk just the way she had left them. Multiple books lay open, some on her desk, some on the ground. An ink bottle had fallen over and stained the wooden floor. Items of clothing that she had all draped over a chair to the point where it had completely disappeared. It had been her method of tidying up. A hairband that had fallen to the ground and gathered dust. A spare 3D maneuver gear harness. Her bed, undone just like they had left it. Everything was still there, untouched by time and the horrors from beyond the wall. All the things he always mocked her about, he now wished he could hold on to forever.

He crawled into her bed where her scent still lingered. Preserved in between layers of bed sheets. It was all too much to handle. Everything about her room annoyed him, because she was not there with him and never would be again. She was not going to jump out of a corner and aggressively tickle him. Or sit at her desk working into the early morning. Or talk for hours on end, about one thing or anther, but mostly titans. All those things were already turning into memories that would fade away with time.

The lump in his throat tightened as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He knew all along that there was a chance she wouldn't return to him. And yet he had held on to this unrealistic dream of them one day exploring the outside world together. Or raising their children and then growing old. Why hadn't she fought hard enough? Visions of her reckless and erratic behavior filled his mind. Why did she have to be so selfless and stupid? Had she perhaps been too trusting of the titans? No, she knew when to separate science from battle. And she liked killing, did it with a viciousness he had rarely seen in anyone else. That was one of the things that had made her so accomplished as a squad leader. On a professional level he had no problem with seeing her off on expeditions even if he stayed behind. But as a lover he'd rather be fighting by her side, even if there was never a reason for him to watch over her. He knew it wasn't true, but still convinced himself that maybe she would be by his side if he had been out there with her. Maybe he could have fended off whatever had taken her.

He dug his face into her pillow. And slowly began to drift into sleep. Her voice seemed to be calling him from very far. She was using the 3D maneuver gear and advancing fast. Each time he managed to catch up with her, she moved further and further away from him into the darkness of the forest. Until there was silence. He looked around unable to see or hear her. Panic filled him and he felt like he was suffocating. The trees seemed to be growing fast, making it even harder for him to navigate. Until suddenly, she jumped on to him hugging him from behind. "There you are!" she yelled.

He woke up with a jolt. Her voice had sounded so real, it took him some moments to realize that he had fallen asleep. The lightness that had come to him in the dream disappeared immediately. The sun had gone down a long time ago and the room was pitch black. Not knowing what to do he lit the lights and pulled a random box from under her bed. She had always stored things and kept items that had seemed like trash to him. But now he kind of understood. There was no way on earth he would be able to throw away any of her belongings.

The first thing in the box was a titan plush. Of course it was. He lifted it up to find a smaller wooden box, with intricate carvings labeled _To Levi_ , lying underneath it. Puzzled he lifted the box and opened it. It was stuffed with paper, carefully folded in half and a number of envelopes that were held together by a red piece of string. He wondered what in the world she had been up to. It took him a moment to fully comprehend what he had discovered.

_My beloved Levi,_

_If you are reading this you probably entered my room while I'm not there, and took this box because I was not able to stop you. I'm probably in my lab, and you are snooping around. As always. If that is the case: bad Levi! Put these letters away and pray that you will never see them again. Really, put them away!_

_I see, you are reading on. I hope it's out of curiosity and not, because I am indeed gone. Gone forever. In that case I'm sorry I left you alone. I really am. I want you to know, that I fought as hard as I could, but apparently even that wasn't enough. I can also guarantee that my last thought was you. I love you, Levi, and you will always be in my heart. All the unbelievable experiences I was able to share with you made me the happiest person in the world._

_And please don't cry, because that would only make me sad since I am not there to hold you. You are humanities strongest soldier and tears really aren't a good look on you. Just remember all the fun things we did, all the hard things and all the beautiful things. I am happy and honored to have done them with you. Isn't it strange how we get to walk this earth, sentient and conscious? Blessed with free will, feeling pain, love and happiness. Until one day it's over. It's what we all have in common. It's what connects us all. Even the titans._

_I will be watching you from here. Where ever "here" is. Everyday. Thinking of you and wishing you well._

_Your best friend and lover,_  
 _Zoe Hanji_

_P.S.: As you might have noticed, there are some envelopes in this box. They are numbered and I want you to open them one by one starting tomorrow.  
_

He read the letter again and again, trying to understand what had just happened. Were these letters she had written in case she died? Had she really anticipated her death to the point of leaving this to him? He rubbed the tears out of his face, sunk back into the bed and he wished he would never wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a bit more angsty than chapter 1 I think, but Levi finally finds the letters Zoe left behind. I hope I managed to convey that despite standing in the chaos of her room, it doesn't matter anymore. The dirt just doesn't bother him anymore, because he is hurting. Now on to chapter 3.


	3. Chapter 3

Of course he was going to have to wake up again. Only the dead sleep forever. So when the harsh morning sun shone into Zoe's room, he blinked and pulled the blanket over his head, desperate to fall back into the dreamless void that had kept the aches at bay. Curled up in her bed, her scent was all around him. He stretched out his arm in search for her body, like usually did, but found nothing. It took him a moment to remember where he was and what had happened. And when he did, it hit him all over again. She had gone on the expedition, she had not returned, she was dead. He sat up, looked around himself and found the letters he had discovered previous day. Just seeing them lie on the ground made him sick. He dreaded the moment he would have to open another one, read her thoughts and suffer through not being able to be with her all over again. He wanted to discard them, burn them. Surely, there would have to be a different way to deal with this.  
   
By the time he arrived at the commander's office, it was past noon. Putting on his uniform, which was crumpled despite having tried his best, was about all he had managed to do that morning. And judging by the way he was being stared at on his way to the HQ, he must have looked terrible. But no matter how much he twisted and turned it, there was no way he could avoid going to see Irvin anymore.  
  
Irvin's expression confirmed what he knew already. He was in bad shape. Unable to talk he let him begin.  
  
"I won't beat about the bush. You look terrible. And even though I can't really afford it, I'll have to let you do paperwork for some time."  
  
Levi stared into the distance at nothing in particular, stoically avoiding Irvin's gaze.  
  
"She was a great soldier, you know, and a warm person with a big heart. She should never have been the one to go. We lost a great friend and asset."  
  
Each of his words was a stab in the gut. Was that all he could think of? Assets? Irvin made him sick and it showed.  
  
"Remember the time we found the Ilse Langner diaries and she spent an entire week locked away in the lab analyzing every bit of information? Or the time she mixed vine into the non-alcoholic drinks at our mid-winter festivities?" An awkward mood settled in the room as Levi watched Irvin visualize the events in the hopes of cheering him up. It wasn't working.  
  
"I know I won't be able to cheer you up with these memories, after all you knew her much better than any of us. She was a great soldier and I want you to know that she didn't die-" Levi drew in a sharp breath, then sighed. He was holding it in, but another second of being in the office, would make him snap. There was no way he could listen to anymore of Irvin's yapping and it was time for him to leave. He had showed up, been given something to do and could leave now. But not before.... He suddenly remembered the letters which he had hastily crammed into his pocket before leaving her room.  
  
Irvin observed him as he untied the string and opened the first letter. He said nothing and turned to look out the window as Levi read the letter to himself.  
  
 _Dear Levi,_  
 _Knowing you, you haven't even taken some time for yourself. I want you to go to Irvin and ask for a couple of days off. I'm sure he'll understand. And then do something for yourself. Whatever it might be, just don't work._  
 _You are always in my heart._  
  
He took a deep breath and let the words sink in."Want to know something funny? She actually told me to come here. I tried to ignore her, but ended up doing what she wanted anyway."  
  
Irvin raised an eyebrow questioningly. "She told you?"  
  
"She left me these letters. For me to read in case she died. She actually did that. I found them last night."  
  
"I see."  
  
"What was she thinking?" Levi asked himself rather than Irvin.  
  
"She must have really cared about you. To think of such a thing," Irvin said.  
  
"But it's torture. It's not helping at all," he said even though he had not planned to lay his emotions bare in front of Irvin.  
  
"She always thought of everyone else before she thought of herself. You see, I'm not the one to talk about love, but I think...," Irvin cleared his throat. It was the kind of throat-clearing that signaled that his line of thought would be understood even if he did not complete his sentence.  
  
"I guess so," Levi said staring at the letters in his hands.  
  
"She could not bear leaving you alone in case something happened to her. She wanted to be there for you even when she wasn't able to."  
  
Levi had nothing to say in reply, so he kept quiet.  
  
"Two weeks. It's the most I can grant you. You can work from home if you want", Irvin said.  
  
***  
  
Drooling onto the floor, he slowly lifted himself off the ground. He had fallen asleep while drinking a bottle of vine and now his head was throbbing. The clock showed four o'clock. With the empty bottle still in his hand, he began to think. Where were the letters? He searched his pockets and got them out. His day out, which had ended on the floor of his room, had crumpled them up. Surely they deserved better, so he walked to his desk that was still a mess and threw them into a drawer. Deep inside he knew there was no way he was going to get around them and opened the second one.  
  
 _Dear Levi,_  
 _I hope Irvin was not too harsh to you. But you know our commander, his job is hard so he can't always reveal his true feelings. After all, nobody wants a sobbing, crying commander. The same is true for humanities strongest by the way, so I hope you are better._  
  
 _For today I hope you are ready to put on your 3D maneuver gear. But before you get started I would like you to take a long hot shower and cut your hair. That unshaven look is really not for you. And eat something. Then, please go to our secret spot at sunset and take this letter with you. There is a bit more I'd like to tell you. Read the rest when you are there._  
  
Thinking about how he was going to survive the rest of the day, he carried his heavy body into the shower and stayed under it until the water tank was empty. When he looked in the mirror he could not recognize the strange man that stared back at him. His face was covered in what was more beard than stubble and the shadows under his eyes were a couple of shades darker that usual. His hair was uneven and had begun to curl at the ends. Luckily this was something that could be solved very easily. Unlike his inner workings. So he grabbed his toiletries and got to work.  
  
Freshly groomed he sat at his table and began to chew on the hard bread he found in his storage room. How many times had they sat there and argued about all kinds of banalities. Now he wished he had spent all that time kissing her. Making her laugh, hell even fucking her. Anything that wasn't killing titans or getting killed or watching as other died.  
  
When he could not take the quiet any longer, he put his 3D maneuver harness on, picked up the gear and left. The sky looked like it was on fire with the sun setting fast, by the time he left the city gates. 3D maneuver gear readily strapped on and hidden beneath a long cloak. He hurried to the wall and made his ascend, hidden away by trees and shrubs.  
  
Years back he had led Zoe to a similar spot, holding on to her sweaty hand. They were trainees back then and hadn't known each other for a long time, but for some reason he had found a liking to her. He still did not know why she had followed him out of the city and into the woods. After all, his reputation had followed him all the way from the capital underground into the Scouting Legion. But then again, Zoe was not afraid of usual things.  
  
She had waited all night for him to give her the signal they had agreed on. When he threw small stones against the window of her dorm, she sneaked out just like he had told her. Under the cover of darkness, they left the city and headed for the woods.  
  
"Where are we going, Levi?" she asked letting go of his hand. All around them was nothing but darkness lit only by the torch he had taken with him. He had told her all along that it was a surprise and she had played along, but now  she suddenly seemed concerned. Which was understandable.  
  
"Let's just go. You'll find out in a minute," he said trying to sound as trustworthy and calm as possible. He was not really good at it.  
  
"You would never hurt me, would you?" Her voice sounded distant and cold.  
  
"Of course not!" he exclaimed. How convincing.  
  
"You just led me into a forest in the middle of the night and I was stupid enough to follow you."  
  
She was right and he had no idea how he was going to reassure her.  
  
"We're very close to the wall right now. Just bit more in that direction," he said and pointed into the darkness. Silence settled as she seemed to weigh her options.  
  
"Fine, let's go." She searched for his hand and held on to it. Apparently her curiosity had gotten the best of her.  
  
When they arrived at the wall he told her to wait and returned with two fully stocked 3D maneuver gears.  
  
"We're going up," he said handing her one.  
  
"We can't. If we are found out we'll be in trouble."  
  
"Nobody will find us. The Garrison guys are fast asleep at this time of the night."  
  
"You've done this before, right?"  
  
"I might have."  
  
"Did you prepare this all for me?"  
  
"Let's just go."  
  
***  
  
When he arrived at the top,  the vast and unforgiving landscape stretched out in front of him. With the sun setting in the distance it took his breath away, even though he had seen it multiple times before. In the distance he could make out titans going about their business. Thinking about them made his blood boil. Thinking about how her body that lay somewhere out there, vomited on to the ground, made him want to jump. Why would she tell him to come here of all places? He unfolded the letter and continued to read.  
  
 _(...) I hope you have sat down and are comfortable. This is my favorite spot in the world with you. Because it always made me dream of the days when we would finally defeat all titans and could go about exploring the rest of the world. I could see into the distance and dream about all the wondrous things that lurk behind the horizon. Remember that it was you who showed me this before our first expedition together? You led me into the forest in the middle of the night and I was scared to death. That was back on Wall Maria. And remember how hard we fought that year when it came down. And all the battles that followed. They were not in vain. So I want you to continue fighting. For me. And for humanity. And my dream of one day being able to explore the world. I want you to kill each and every titan you ever encounter and please do a better job than me._  
  
 _Remember that that was also the place we first kissed? You were so shy, I never would have thought it. We weren't really good at it, but it was still the best kiss we ever had._ _Please always hold my dream in your heart, but don't get yourself killed trying to fulfill it. Most of all I want you to be happy._  
 _A thousand kisses._  
  
He let the words sink in. Where was she going with all this? Did she want to torture him from her grave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter.
> 
> I'll be honest here, writing this fic is just making me so sad I'm losing motivation. Why did I think writing something like this would be a good idea? On top of that I have so many ideas for happy fics. But I hate leaving things unfinished so I'll pull through.


	4. Chapter 4

Letting out a long sigh he rolled onto his back and looked into the sky. It was quickly becoming dark and the first couple of stars had began to show themselves. Back then they had sat next to each other in darkness, as the stars lit the night sky.

"Lie down, Levi!" she exclaimed while already trying to push him to the ground.

"What? Why?" Her touch made his heart rate go up and there was nothing he could do about it. How was it that she, of all people, was able to make him loose his cool?

"So we can look at the stars. It's easier that way," she said lying down next to him and tugging on his sleeve. He looked at her in the darkness, barely able to see her outlines. "What are you waiting for?" she asked.

"Nothing." Immediately he settled down next to her she began to point. Her arm was a dark shape surrounded by stars.

"See that over there? That's the Big Dipper. If you connect those seven stars like this you get the constellation."

"I don't see anything thing," Levi answered truly puzzled.

"Look," she grabbed his hand and began to point with it. "Extend your finger and follow. The stars are called Dubhe, Merak, Phecda, Megrez, Alioth, Mizar and Alkaid."

"What? How do you even know all this?" he asked as the constellation began to make sense to him as well.

"I don't know that much about them, but the Big Dipper just happens to be my favorite group of stars. Each time I see it I feel at home and safe somehow."

"You're strange," he said smiling to himself in the dark.

"Says the guy who leads girls away in the middle of the night to climb on walls. An absolutely normal thing to do."

"It's not like I do this regularly," he said as he continued to look into the sky. He wanted to tell her that he had done this because he knew that she in particular would enjoy it. But kept quiet about it.

"I don't know, it seemed like you've done this before."

"Yes, I've climbed the walls before. But for other purposes."

"What purposes? Tell me more!" He regretted mentioning anything. Knowing Zoe she wouldn't back down for days.

"No."

"Please, tell me more," she begged. When she spoke about things she loved her voice was always full of excitement and shrill, but for some reason he liked it. It was as if she radiated life.

"Do you know any others?" he asked ignoring her plea.

She let out a sigh. "Fine, whatever. I'll let it be for now." She paused for a moment. "You really want to know more? I thought it would be boring for you."

"Not at all. It's interesting when you show me."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't have said it, if I didn't mean it. Now show me more."

He could hear that she was smiling when she continued to speak. "Let's see...that bright one over there is Polaris! Yes it must be the one. They say in the past, people used it to navigate when they were on long journeys. Especially the ones across seas and oceans. There is a South Star, too, but we can't see it from here unfortunately. Connected to the Polaris is the Small Dipper. You see that? You connect them like this and this." Once more, she lifted his arm to point. Levi let her and wished she could continue touching him. His entire body, not just his arm. So he pulled her closer starting with her arm, then her shoulder, then her entire body. Turning her towards him so they could face each other. They lay side by side, their faces very close, looking into each others eyes that were barely visible in the dark.

"Levi, you...," she began, but he couldn't bare it any longer and kissed her. Her mouth was warm, her breath was warm and so he inched closer in the cold night. Suddenly she rolled on top of him and pinned him down by his wrists and straddling his sides. Her strength kind of took him by surprise. And what followed next still made him smirk after all this time. She descended upon him with unexpected force. Sucking the every bit of life out of him as their lips met. The back of his head hurt when she pressed him down.

"Ouch, Zoe, my wrists...," he said out of breath.

"My bad...," She let go only to kiss him again and again. Was this just Zoe being Zoe or had she in fact been holding this in all this time? He let his hands wander across her body, wanting to hold on to every part at the same time. Drool dripped onto his face as she rose her head to draw some air. Her hair was all over face despite being held in a ponytail.

"I'm sorry, I'm terrible at this. And ugh, you don't like when things are messy."

"Believe me, if I didn't want to do this I wouldn't even be here."

And and so she licked his parted lips and ventured further into his mouth as if her life depended on it.

"Somehow... it's impossible... I just can't hold back," she said breathing heavily, her hot breath warming his face.

"Could you just stop talking for once..." And with that he rose to kiss her again. Her body felt warm and comfortable against his, as she wrapped her arms and legs around him.

* * *

Two days had gone by since he opened the last letter and visited the wall. He had decided that simply do paperwork, just like Irvin had ordered him to, would be the best for him. He had also picked up his training again, after all missing out on it for a couple of weeks was already beginning to show. Sooner or later he would be able to get back into the flow. And if he wanted to be of need to the Scouting Legion, physical fitness was more than crucial.

But in the back of his head, the thoughts and memories of Zoe still wouldn't disappear. As was to be expected. He thought of the letters that he hadn't yet opened, then took a sip of his tea in the hopes of pushing the thoughts away. He opened a box filled with paper work and began to go through them. It was important work, that needed to be completed and delivered as soon as possible. But then he took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder. There they were in the box that had his name on it. One letter wouldn't harm him. Just one more.

  
_Dear Levi,_   
_I'm sure you've been wondering why I wrote these letters. The answer is simple and straightforward. I lost many comrades, more than my heart could ever bear. And always upon returning to the walls and looking at their empty rooms I couldn't take it. I secretly always hoped they had maybe left behind a note or something to show that they were real. That they had really existed and weren't just a figment of my imagination. That we really had been friends. So I thought to myself that if I have to go, I will say goodbye before. That is all there is to it. It's funny as I write this I can see you lying in my bed, fast asleep. I wish it could always stay like this. And I hope it will, but I have a feeling it might not. And if you are reading this my wish obviously didn't come true._

_I would like you to go to to Trost's Finest Tailors and pick something up. Just mention your name and you should be able to get it._

_Feel hugged.  
_

He stepped into _Trost's Finest Tailors_ and looked around. The shop was filled with clothes and garments of the newest fashion. Strange that there were people who dedicated their entire life to simply making clothes, while he spent his years fighting titans. An old man behind the counter smiled at him invitingly.

"Good afternoon, young man. What brings you to our shop today?" he asked.

"There is something I'd like to pick up. It should be under the name Levi," he answered.

"Levi, Levi, that kind of rings a bell. Let me look around. Ah yes, there was something," he said rummaging around in a stock room. "Now I remember. Some months ago a young woman came in here and ordered something. She said that it would be picked up, but that the person it was for was clumsy and that it might take some time. She mentioned that I should not throw it away even if months or years went by. I found it a bit strange, but since it is so small it didn't take up much storage anyway." He placed the box on the counter "Here you go."

Levi opened the small box just to find a brand new white cravat inside.

"Beautiful, isn't it? Made out of pure silk. I had your initials stitched into it as well right here, in white and very small so it isn't so obvious," the man said admiring his own work. "She also dictated me something I should say when it is picked up. Just a moment, I wrote it down right here." The man put a pair of glasses on his nose and began to read. "'Remember cravat night? I thought this would be a nice present to commemorate that fun evening.' She said it would make sense to you."

"Ah yes, that. Thank you very much." A warm feeling started to spread through his body. That was the night when their squad had planned to go drinking and all appeared at the tavern in cravats. It had amused him as much as it had annoyed him. They spent their entire weekly pay on drinks and caused so much noise it was reported back to Irvin.

"So, that's all. You can take just like that. She already paid for it. And please extend my greetings to the young lady," he old man said smiling. His words were so unexpected and Levi him were it stung the most.

"Thank you, I will," he forced out of his mouth. There was no way he could explain this to a stranger.

* * *

That said night Mike, Nanaba and Zoe had told Levi to meet up at the tavern. When he entered the place and saw them sitting at a table, all with cravats on, he wanted to turn around immediately. But it was too late. Zoe had already seen him and called out with her loud voice.

A couple of hours later, the tavern had closed, Mike and Nanaba had already gone their way, Zoe and Levi stood in front of her room. Kissing wildly.

"Let's go in," he said almost impatiently.

She unlocked her door with trembling hands and turned on the lamps. He took off his shoes and jacket and looked around. To his surprise her room looked better than he had expected. When he looked back at her, she was cramming around in her cupboard.

"I don't know if you want something to eat," she said looking over her shoulder. The cravat was still around her neck and her long dress loosely hugged her body. He walked towards her, lifted her onto the table and continued where they had left off before. She ruffled his hair and soon her fingers moved across his back and began to pull his shirt off his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope you enjoyed this and ahh~ it was a bit easier to write because of the fluff flashback. Levi is recovering, but Zoe still has some things to say. Everything about stars in Zoe's speech is based on a quick google search btw, so I apologize in advance if I made mistakes.


	5. Chapter 5

Excitement was building up in his body. He was nervous and he didn't really know why. He had done this many times, but never in his life had he been so anxious about it. As always, the movements Hanji made and the sounds that escaped her mouth, could not be predicted. Sometimes she giggled when he touched her, even though there was nothing funny about what he was doing. And other times she moaned so loud he was sure someone next door could hear them.

But that was not what was bothering him. There was a presence of sorts. It felt like somebody was watching them, through a window maybe, And he did not like it one bit. It was when she hastily began to pull his pants down, that he froze.

"Zoe...," he whispered. This was what had felt so weird.

"What?" she asked catching breath.

"It's watching us," he said pulling closer to her to shield his half-naked body. His hands had long left her body.

"It's watching us? What is?" she said and began to pull the dress over her head, completely unfazed.

"No, not here," he said stopping her. He himself was holding onto them hem of his halfway undone trousers.

"What in the...?" It was then that she finally turned around and then broke into a fit of laughter.

"It's not funny. I can't do it like this. Not when somebody is watching," Levi said holding on to her.

"Somebody? But it's just Momo. A cat for heavens sake, Levi," she said still laughing at him. The cat meowed and began to walk over to the lovers.

"It's coming here. Make it go away! Zoe, do something!" he said, his voice full of panic and disgust. This just made her laugh even more.

"Humanities strongest, afraid of cats," she said kissing him on the forehead.

"I'm not afraid of them. I just hate them. Like most animals. They're dirty and they have an eerie presence," he said keeping his eyes on the beast. The cat came even closer and rubbed it's body against his legs the way cats always do.

"Make it stop. Please tame your pet," he said enduring the soft, soft torture.

"Did you know that by doing that he is welcoming you into the house? And marking you. You are now his human and welcome here anytime," she said in between chuckles.

"Welcoming me into the house? More like making sure I don't come back. And anyway, when did you get a cat? And why? I can't remember you ever mentioning him," Levi said still looking at the creature that was meowing at him.

"Ah Momo is a stray cat. He doesn't really come here often. I saw him some weeks ago and started giving him milk and left overs of my food. And he started coming here every now and then. Look, he only has one eye. I don't think he can hunt very well," she said.

"It's a stray? And you let it wonder in and out of here?"

"Yeah, he is harmless. I also did some checkups to make sure he was alright," she said shrugging. Despite being disgusted by the empty eye-socket, he tried to pet the ball of fur. There was nothing to be afraid of. It was just a cat. But Momo wouldn't have it and hissed in response.

"Your one eyed shithead doesn't like me," he said.

"I don't know what is wrong, he usually isn't like this. Come to mommy," she said and lifted him up. Much to Levi's surprise Momo sat on her lap and purred. Leaving him to stare enviously. Those were his thighs. Soft, soft thighs he couldn't wait to hold again. And the hands playing with Momo's ears were supposed to be playing with his. And her eyes lovingly fixed on his furry body were supposed to be fixed on him. "I think he sensed that his mommy was in danger and came to check on me. Didn't you? Didn't you, Momo?"

Momo meowed in response.

"Well, he is a mood-killer, I'll give him that," Levi said searching for his shirt.

"What are you doing?" Zoe asked surprised.

"Dressing up," he said matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean dressing up?" she mocked him.

"I'm going home. Tomorrow is a long day," he said pulling the shirt over his head.

"Fuck you, Levi. Not after you...got me so excited," she said still holding the cat. He loved it when she cursed. And since she rarely did it, he savored each time a dirty word came over her lips. Especially when it sounded as dire as it did now.

"If you think I am touching you after you petted that animal, you're lost," he said. Yes, his pants still felt uncomfortably tight, but the whole cat business had ruined it for him.

"Oh c'mon, Levi."

"No."

"We can always take a shower first," she offered.

"First you throw that animal out. And close the windows so it won't come back in," he said.

"Don't be so mean. Momo stays."

To this he raised an eyebrow. "I don't know if Momo is planning to do the same things to you that I have in mind, but you're going to have to decide."

Five minutes later, he was out in the cold night. She had thrown him out after calling him a cold hearted asshole and regardless of how sweet it sounded, he was fuming. If four-eyes and one-eye were going to abandon him in the middle of the night, then so be it. Like he needed more freaks in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the lack of updates! On top of not having much time, I accidentally deleted three chapters I had prepared to post all in one go. I'm writing them again though, so it's alright.  
> There was a AU headcanon going around tumblr, about how Hanji would totally take up all kinds of animals in their house. To the point of maybe even building an animal sanctuary. I jumped on to that and yeah I think Hanji would totally choose her animals over getting dick from Levi. And even if the evening ended like this, Levi still thinks fondly of that night... hahaha


	6. Chapter 6

Levi turned in his bed and chuckled to himself. Back then, his night had not ended with him  just going to his place to sleep. After returning to his quarters and crawling into his cold bed, he couldn't fall asleep. He thought about all that had happened and was still angry that Hanji had thrown him out over something as ridiculous as a cat. Lost in thought, his eyes heavy with sleep he suddenly heard a knock on his window. He decided to ignore it, but it got louder and louder. Why did his room have to be on the ground floor?

"What?" he said after opening the window. It was Hanji, of course it was Hanji.

"Can I?" she asked wrapping her arms around her shivering body. She was only wearing her pajamas and still had the damn cravat around her neck.

Levi sighed in reply.

"Please," she said and rubbed her hands up and down, while jumping from one foot to the other to keep warm.

"What happened to Momo?" Levi said enjoying the little bit of power that he had over her.

"He left. He's a stray and... I mean, you of all people know what stray animals are like...," she said trying to smile but it was too cold.

"Me of all people? What do you mean me of all people?" he asked.

"You know, with your life in the underground and all that,..." she said and looked away trying to hide her grin. She was provoking him, even though she had just come to ask him for a favour. Only Hanji.

"So, in other words I am on the same level as that disgusting, dirty, stray cat."

"Pretty much, yes," she answered.

"And you've come here because...?"

"Because...I like stray animals," she said jokingly. But noticing that it wasn't working, she continued. "C'mon Levi don't be like that."

"Good night," he said and pretended to close the window.

"Please, Levi," he heard her muffled voice through the window.

He opened it again. "You just called me an animal."

"But animals are better than people," she said and her teeth were seriously chattering now.

"Maybe in your world, but not in the regular world," he answered.

"Fine, you're above animals. Please let me come in. I can't feel my fingers."

He opened the window, stretched out his arm and pulled her in.

"Now you have to warm me up," she said lying in his covers.

"With pleasure," he said, his words filled with mischievousness. But the warming up mean exactly that and not more. Her body felt like a piece of ice and she was asleep within minutes. Lying on top of him with her head on his chest he could barely move or breathe, but somehow, it didn't really matter. As long as she was with him.

***

Two weeks went by when he finally decided to open the next letter. Life had normalized to the point where he could take up his training again, work as usual, and spend his time with the other veterans like he always used to. Every now and then he would forget what had happened and the weight on his chest would be lifted. He'd be sitting in the mess hall getting lunch, or instructing the new recruits when he suddenly thought about Hanji. About wanting to tell her something, or meet with her later on. Only to remember that there was not going to be a later on. Immediately the the dull pain would settle on his chest again, making it hard to breathe.

> _Dear Levi,_
> 
> _I hope you are fine. For today I would like you to clear out my room and throw everything away. I know how much you put into your weekly cleaning projects so I would like you to see this as such a project as well. If you go to my room and open the bottom drawer in the kitchen, you will find three bottles of that cleaning agent you like using. The one from the travelling salesman. Use one for my room and keep the other two as a present._
> 
> _One more thing. I would like you to ask the 104 kids for assistance. I'm sure they will be delighted to help their captain._
> 
> _Love,_
> 
> _Zoe Hanji_

The moment he finished reading the letter, he already dreaded what was to come. He hadn't been back to Hanji's room ever since he found the letters and couldn't possibly imagine ever throwing anything away. To make matters worse, why the kids? Why those stupid, spoiled brats, who knew nothing about cleaning and were more likely to drag in new dirt that get anything clean?

***

Teenagers had a strange way of carrying themselves. As the four of them, Eren, Mikasa, Armin and Jean, stood in front of him like open books, saluting like they had been taught, he took a close look at each of them trying to read them. Eren, with his chest pumped out, was more likely to cause trouble than be of use, but beggers were not choosers and these were the only ones he could get for the day. Mikasa was the only one whom he would consider using as his right hand. Disciplined, sharp and motivated, she was the one closest to being his match. Next to her stood Armin shaking in his boots. How he had managed to survive thus far was a mystery to Levi. But he knew that it probably had a lot to do with the other two. After all there was nothing like having good friends in the military. And finally Jean, a slacker with heart. Levi could tell from the minute he lay his eyes on him. He probably wanted people around him to think he was cool or tough, but it was all talk. Despite all that he probably cared about all his comrades deeply. Maybe a mama's boy.

"At ease," he finally said. The group relaxed and anxiously awaited Levi's command. "Today we will be doing some cleaning," he began, but before he could continue, Eren groaned in complaint. An elbowing from Mikasa, shut him up immediately. Yes, she was exactly what he needed to keep the brats in check.

"As I said, we'll be doing some cleaning today. And not just any cleaning. We'll be clearing out Squad leader Hanji's room."

He tried to distance himself from his own words as he spoke, but the silence that followed made it impossible. When he looked up at them he was met with shocked expressions. And he couldn't blame them. The story of his nervous breakdown, even though weeks had passed since, had spread far and wide.

"What's with those faces? You all knew her well, especially you Eren. Someone has to do it, and I so happened to be able to get you fools for the day. So let's begin."

"Are you sure you want us to,...," Armin began, but was silenced by Jean.

"Do you think you would be standing here if I wanted to do this alone?"

"No, sir," Armin answered.

"Then stop asking questions and get to work!"

"Yes, sir!"

The plan he had devised to make sure they managed to clean everything quickly but thoroughly was simple. There were three piles. He called them piles, but he made it clear to them that they were going to regret the day they set foot in the military, if they actually piled any of Hanji's belongings. Everything was to be neatly packed into boxes. Trash was to be put in sacks. Anything to do with her research, books, notebooks, scraps of paper, no matter how trivial they may look, was to be put into the boxes going to the science department. Any of her other personal items, like clothes, uniform, kitchen utensils were to be put in boxes on the other side of the room. They were going to be evaluated and then either sold or donated. Anything that looked too old or useless was to be thrown away. The same was going to happen to her furniture. It was that simple.

But as he looked around himself, and watched as their grubby hands touched everything, he felt a tinge of guilt and remorse. Maybe he should have done it on his own, regardless of what she had said in her letter. They were not being careful enough. Their sweaty hands were destroying something, that was, in a way, sacred to him. Bit by bit, they were taking all that was left of her apart, so it could be spread into the world. Why had he let them take care of such an important task?

Then he noticed that Mikasa also seemed to have a problem with deciding what to throw and what to keep.

"What should I do with these boots? Don't you think the captain would want something to remember her by?" she whispered over to Jean.

"I don't know," he said scratching the back of his head. "I don't know if boots would be a good choice."

"Just put them in the donation box," Levi said startling the two of them.

"Yes, sir," they said in unison.

He couldn't take it anymore. The cleaning was pathetic, the brats were getting on his nerves. He just wanted to be done with it already. There was nothing nice about it at all. He decided to catch some fresh air, but as soon as he was outside, he heard commotion coming from inside. It was then that he wondered if it was possible to raise the recruiting age for the legion.

"What do I do with this?" Eren was asking with a disgusted undertone in his voice. His back was turned towards one of the windows Levi was peering through, so he couldn't see what he was holding. Just then, Mikasa, who was standing in front of Eren and looking at what was in his hands, began to laugh hysterically.

"Just put it with the garbage, you idiot," Jean said angrily.

Levi wondered what could be so funny and aggravating at the same time. Knowing that this was Hanji's room, the potential was huge.

"Don't call me an idiot!" Eren said, making his way for Jean. Mikasa was still laughing, holding her stomach and bending over.

"Here, hold this Armin."

"Huh?" Armin asked, but it was too late. Eren had already placed the item into his hands.

"You are an idiot, and I will call you that," Jean continued.

"No, you are, Jean!" Eren replied. The two of them remained taunting each other, as all colour disappeared from Armin's face.

"Guys, guys,...what is this I am holding?" he asked shocked at what was in his hands. It was then that Levi finally decided to go back inside.

"What's so funny? Two idiots fighting over who is dumber. Never thought I'd get to see that in my life," he said looking at Eren and Jean before taking a seat. "Continue."

"It's nothing," Armin said hiding what looked like a book behind his back.

"All the books in the boxes over there," Levi said.

"Yes, sir."

"Do I really have to explain everything over again?"

"No, sir," Armin said and tried to walk over to the corner with the books without exposing the cover.

"Wait a minute, why are you being so secretive? What is that?"

"It's nothing, sir, just a book," Armin responded, his voice trembling.

Levi looked around to find that everything had quieted down apart from Mikasa, who was still chuckling to herself. The fight between Jean and Eren had died down and both of them looked like they had just seen ghosts.

"I told you to throw it away," Jean muttered under his breath.

"Too late, Eren replied, whispering angrily.

"Throw what away? Can I have what you are hiding, Arlert? That's an order!" Levi said.

"Yes, sir," he replied and handed him the book.

It took Levi a couple of moments to realize what he was looking at. Bodies. Contorted bodies. No, not contorted. These were positions. Sexual positions. He felt the heat rise to his head as he quickly leafed through the book. He knew this book very well, or at least the content of it. So this is where she had gotten them all from. Some looked familiar, while others even had Hanji's scribbled handwriting underneath them.

"Who is responsible for this?" he asked without a second thought as he held the book into the air. There was no way he was going to let them break him. Not these clowns.

Mikasa, started to laugh out loud again. "Who would have thought that she was into-," but before she could say another word, Armin had cupped her mouth shut.

"Never mind her," he said smiling. "She is like this sometimes."

Levi ignored the commotion and decided to ask again. "I said, who is responsible for this?"

This time Eren straightened himself and decided to answer. "I found it behind the shelf, sir!" he said.

"25 laps," Levi replied.

"What?" Eren asked offended by the reply. "But I didn't do anything!"

"Let's make it 50, then," Levi said.

"Why?"

"We can go up to 75 if you want," Levi continued.

"But I didn't do anything. Jean, you were there, you saw me find it," Eren protested.

"I have no idea what you are talking about. And if I were you, I'd just shut up," he said.

"Any other such pranks, and the higher-ups will be hearing about it. Not only is disrespectful, it's in poor taste. Now hurry up, some of us have other things to do!"

"But I didn't do anything!" Eren continued to complain.

"So you think this book walked into here?" Levi asked sarcasticly.

"I only know that I didn't put it here," he continued.

"In other words, what you are saying is that you think that Squad leader Hanji kept this type of lewd material in her room," Levi said.

"Maybe she...," Eren began, but as Levi fixated his gaze on him his voice died down.

"Maybe she what?" he asked, making Eren swallow his words.

"Nothing, sir," Eren replied.

"I very much hope so," he said. "And now continue!"

***

As the sun set, the last cart, laden with boxes for the Scouting Legion's science department, pulled away. He didn't feel bad about taking out his embarrassment on the kids, and Eren in particular. After all he was just trying to teach him a little lesson. What the lesson was, Levi wasn't so sure of. And he knew that Hanji would have probably joked about the whole story, had she been there, but that wasn't his style.

The apartment was now completely empty, save for a couple of bulkier pieces of furniture that would be picked up later. Mikasa, Jean and Eren had already said their good-byes and were already down the road. Only Armin had stayed behind.

"Aren't you going to join your friends?" Levi asked him.

"I'll catch up with them later," he said avoiding Levi's gaze.

"What do you still want?"

"I,..." he began, but then stopped.

"If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise scram," Levi replied.

"I thought you might want this, sir," Armin said and began to fumble around in his pocket. When he retrieved a pair of goggles, not just any goggles, Hanji's cracked goggles that she kept on her shelf, Levi's heart almost missed a beat. He wanted to ask Armin why he thought he might want such trash. Or whether Armin was out of his mind, but he would have been lying to himself. And suddenly he realized why Armin had survived so far. He might not have been the strongest around, but in a strange way he was the smartest and bravest of the group. Even though he was shaking, he was still standing there, making Levi such a strange offer.

He opened his hand and let Armin put the goggles there."Thanks, I guess you're not as useless as I thought,"Levi said.

"You're welcome, sir,"Armin said and there was a hint of pride in his voice.

"Now, go and join your comrades. I still have to take one last look at our work," Levi said, wanting to end the topic as soon as possible. He put the goggles into his pocket.

"Yes, sir," the kid answered and was on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say, just thanks for reading this far and for those who might have been waiting for an update, thanks for sticking around.


	7. Chapter 7

Left alone, Levi entered the room to take one final look at their work. It was probably the last time he was ever going to set foot inside. With living space within the Walls being as limited as it was, the room was going to be occupied by new residents very soon. And with that, any trace that Hanji ever lived there would be gone. Only in his memories would the place continue to exist as it was. Unchanged by time.

As he looked into the corners, he noticed a small stack of paper on the ground. Just like he thought, the brats had not been thorough enough. He picked up the paper, held together by large clips, and read the title: _On the Nocturnal Activities of  Titans._ Probably a paper she had been working on. He tucked it under his arm and wondered if it was still wise to head to the science department. By the time he would arrive there, everyone would probably have left.

But he was wrong. One window still had a light burning. He decided to drop by for a moment, hand the manuscript to anyone who was there and leave. There was nothing for him in there anymore.

He knocked on the door of the room that had the light on and stepped in, but immediately realized that he had probably just walked in on something he was not supposed to see. The figure that he found slouched over his desk, turned around and looked up at him. It was Moblit Berner, Hanji's second in command and assistant. His face was flushed and his eyes were red. Realizing that it was Levi, he stood up to salute.

"No need for that," Levi said taken aback by the emotional display.

"Fine," Moblit said and slumped right back into his chair turning away from Levi.

"I only wanted to drop this manuscript that was left behind," Levi said while looking around. The boxes they had spent the whole day packing had arrived safely. There were so many, that they made the office look small. Some were open with their contents spilling out, while others were still sealed.

"Put it somewhere over there," Moblit said reluctantly pointing at one of the boxes.

"Here? Fine, I'll put it here," he answered not sure what to do with himself. Obviously Moblit was in a very bad shape. Perhaps induced by the research work, her work, that had been brought into the department that day? It has never crossed his mind that there were other people in the Scouting Legion besides himself, who felt such a deep sense of loss over Hanji's death.

But he wasn't going to think about that now. He had done what he had come to do. The paper was safe in the box with her other belongings. It was time for him to leave. But before he could let himself out, Moblit spoke again.

"You want me to show you around?" he asked.

He could have just pretended not to have heard Moblit and closed the door behind him, but instead he heard himself ask, "Show me around?"

"You know, a little tour."

"Why? I've been here many times." Levi was already knee-deep in this, there was no way he was going to manage to talk himself out of it.

"Not that. I mean, do you really want to have an exclusive look around the place?" Moblit asked again.

Levi fell silent for a moment. He looked at Moblit, who was clearly not his usual self, and decided to keep him company for some time.

"Fine, why not?" he said.

Immediately, something seemed to brighten in Moblit's face. "Come along," he said slipping out of another door on the other side of the room. "First stop squad leader's desk."

He stopped in front of what Levi recognized as Hanji's messy desk. He had been there numerous times, mainly to ask for maps and supplies that were created by the science department. Like the coloured gunpowder for the smoke guns. It was a miracle they still had all her stuff on it, but he wasn't about to extend his cleaning efforts to the science department.

"I'm sure you know what this is, her desk of course. And I'm sure you're wondering why I would bring you here. After all you've been here many times yourself. Well, but did you know about this?" he said and lifted a number of papers and books off the desk to reveal a small folder. " Get it out," he encouraged Levi.

Levi opened the folder just to find what looked like regular maps to him.

"They're maps," he said wondering what Moblit was trying to show him.

"Not just any maps, though," Moblit answered as he put the papers and books he was holding back on the desk. "These maps aren't even supposed to be here. Nobody knows about them. We found them by accident, when we went to the Mithras Archives in the capital. They had been left or hidden in a random book about a completely different subject. Almost as if who ever had left them there was in a hurry to either hide them or get rid of them. Squad leader spent hours trying to decipher them. They're of the outside world, of course, but they look like none of the few maps that we have. In her spare time, during lunch for example, she would try to make sense of them. She always stressed how important they'd be once we'd defeated the titans. Important for humanity. She was always thinking of others."

Levi looked at the maps in disbelief. Moblit was right, even he could not recognize any of the places on the map. He couldn't believe that these were some of the things she had been working on. Handing them back to Moblit, he wondered what else he had missed on her research work.

"Next is the lab," Moblit said leading the way. "I want to show you something that's still in development. And frankly, I don't know if we will ever succeed. Especially without her around. But I'll show you anyway."

The room was full of gadgets, bottles, tubes that spanned the whole place from one corner to the other. Colorful liquids and powders were stored in bottles that filled the shelves from top to bottom. All of them labeled carefully. He had been there a hand full of times, but he didn't like the lab. It had a strong chemical smell and was too chaotic for his taste.

Moblit lifted one of the bulbous bottles, filled with a deep blue liquid, and held it to the light. Instinctively, Levi moved out of the way. He knew the game of strange chemical substances very well.

"Don't worry, I won't get any on you. And even if I did, I don't think anything would happen," Moblit said. Levi noticed that as they went from room to room, his spirits seemed to have been lifted.

"So, what does it do? Or what is it supposed to do?" Levi asked.

"Squad leader was trying to come up with a liquid that could be applied to the titans in battle, to incapacitate them. She said if the titan bodies could appear out of thin air, like Eren's did, and disappeared into thin air, like all titans that we killed, then there was some kind of chemical reaction happening. Influencing that process is what is crucial. And if we could find a potion that could mess about with that process, making it harder for them to move or even dissolving them for example, it would be easier and less dangerous to fight titans. Everyone could keep a bottle of this in their houses for emergencies. And so on. A kind of titan repellent. Unfortunately, we haven't gotten far with it," he sighed and Levi finally understood why Moblit seemed so desperate. The entire science department and all their achievements were at risk of falling apart without Hanji around.

"I see, it does make sense. I mean, I don't know much about science, but I can tell you that having that kind of a substance would make a lot of things easier for us," Levi said trying to add something valuable to the one-sided conversation.

"Let's hope it still leads somewhere," Moblit said and put the bottle down.

Next they went into the yard. It was already dark, but Moblit turned on the lamps that lined the walls and stepped into the middle.

"Ah yes, this is where I risked my life on a daily basis, just to make sure that she was safe and sound. Just to make sure she didn't hurt herself and others because of her energetic and unafraid way of working with titans," Moblit began and it made Levi uncomfortable. Yes, this was the man that kept his girlfriend safe and sound, everyday, but there was no need for him to say it like that.

"For the record, I was not in love with her. I was in love with her work," Moblit said and the words piled down on Levi like heavy rocks.

"I don't think anybody thought you were...," Levi answered.

"You should have seen your face right now, then," Moblit answered. And it was getting a bit too much for Levi.

"Well, go on," he said venturing away from the topic.

"I kept her safe so we would win, so all this would finally be over, but I failed. I feel guilty for not being there. I hope you can forgive me," Moblit said.

It was as if Moblit had picked up on Hanji's habit of not knowing where to draw a line during conversation. Levi tried his bes to straighten up and said, "Don't beat yourself up about it. What happened, happened. It was not your or my fault. There is nothing we can do about it, but move on and fight for what she scarified herself for." The words came tumbling out of his mouth without him being able to make them stop.

"You're right, I guess. There is one last thing I want to show you, before you go," Moblit said while turning off the lamps. "Let's go back inside."

Back inside, Moblit showed him a manuscript he had put together that contained all of Hange's important research work. His plan was to get it published as an updated work on titans and humanities role within the walls.

"All I need is your, well, unofficial permission," he said looking at Levi expectantly.

"My permission? This is your department now. And her work is now yours. You make the decisions," Levi answered.

"Well, then I need your blessings, if you will," Moblit continued.

"If it matters that much, sure. You get my blessings. Just make sure I am the first who get's to read it. I can give you some pointers to get it past the censors," he added as he made for the door.

"Of course," Moblit answered.

***

He was remaining with only two more letters. Two more letters and then he would never hear from her again. And he dreaded it, so he let another one month go by before opening the next one.

> _Dear Levi,_
> 
> _I have a strange request to make. I would like you to read this letter to the other guys as well. As soon as you have the chance, go to the mess hall, ask for attention and read. Don't look at the rest of it. In fact stop reading now._

Levi felt the cold sweat run down his neck as he read her letter again and again. She wanted him to read a letter in front of all the others in the mess hall? Why?

But he already knew the answer. Because she was Hange and because she loved other people and she loved the Legion and the work she did. And because she never got to say goodbye. That was the purpose of the letters after all. And she had been kind enough to put this letter amongst the last ones, so there would be some time between her passing and him having to do that. She had actually thought of that.

***

As he stepped into the mess hall a couple of days later, he was stiff with dread and nervousness. It wasn't the reading or the crowd that unsettled him. It was the fear of possibly exposing his emotions in front everyone. Of not knowing what she had written in the letter.

The mess hall was bustling with life. Some where standing in line for food, others were sitting down and eating, alone or in groups. And others were already on their way out. He cleared his throat and wondered if he was going to regret what was about to happen.

"I have a little announcement to make," he began, but nobody seemed to pay him any attention. His voice had been drowned by the crowd. His grip around the paper tightened as he thought of a flight plan. It still wasn't too late to leave. But just as he was about to turn, Mike, who had been observing him from a near by table stood up and shouted.

"The captain would like to make an announcement, shut up everyone!" He then looked at Levi and gave him a thumbs up as everyone quieted down and looked at their captain. Levi cursed, but continued to speak.

"This might be a little bit unusual, but I'm about to read something to you. This is not an official announcement, more like a message from a good friend to all of you." And with that he fixed his eyes upon her handwriting and began to read.

> _Dear fellow soldiers,_
> 
> _This might be a strange way to hear from me, but I thought I should take the time to write down a few lines, while I have the chance. Most of you probably don't even know who I am, but that is irrelevant. By the time you will be hearing these words, I won't be around anymore. Whether you know me or not is not important, because right now I only need one thing from you. Whether you forget me tomorrow, or forget this day, I need you to always remember what I am about to say._
> 
> _Ever since I can remember, my dream had been to be around when the mystery of the titans was finally resolved and humanity got to be free again. Obviously I failed, but that is where you come in.  I need you to carry my dream, which I am sure is not dissimilar from yours, with you into the future. Always stay vigilant, always question things. Why are titans the way they are? Why do they just evaporate after being killed? Those are the questions that I tried to answer day in and out. Why? Because I was sick and tired of seeing everyone around me die. Of the seemingly unending amount of titans. For each of them killed, two seemed to be created. Think out side the box, we obviously don't have the full picture._
> 
> _Cherish those around you, be nice to them and don't fight over small things. Enjoy the small amount of good times that you have. Right now, the person to your left or to your right might not be with you by next year. You might not be there in a years time. Live! And if you can, love. Even if you feel small and like someone who is unlikely to leave a mark on this earth, leave a mark within the hearts of others._
> 
> _I just want you to know that the time I had in the Scouting Legion were the best of my life, regardless of the outcome. I dedicated my entire being towards bringing the Legion and humanity ahead, and now it is time to pass the torch._
> 
> _Be better than me, that is all I ask of you._
> 
> _Zoe Hanji  
> _

When he finished, he feared to look up again. His eyes had gone blurry while reading and it was silent enough to hear a pin drop. It was just as he had thought, reading a thing like this to toughed people of the military was a joke. They weren't going to be touched by words of a dead soldier. They knew plenty of them themselves and had gotten over their deaths already.

But then he heard a single sniff in the back of the room. Okay, one person who couldn't hold themselves together. He looked up and tried to rub his eyes without looking suspicious. To his surprise, everyone seemed awkward and fidgety. Some had buried their heads in the table. Others were suddenly fixed on something going on outside and others looked to the ground stoically. A guy was wiping his eyes after suddenly being confronted by the idea of his own death. Levi decided to leave.


	8. Chapter 8

The last letter, Levi couldn't even remember opening. A year had gone by and all he knew is that he carried it around with him, wherever he went. He had unfolded and folded it so many times, he was afraid it was going to fall apart. He had read it over and over again, the shape of each uneven letter had scratched itself into his memories. If someone would have told him to recite it, he could have done it in his sleep.

> _Dear Levi,_
> 
> _This is the last letter I'll be writing. I'm still hoping with all my heart that you actually don't ever get to see them. I'm still praying that if you do find them, it's by accident because you are going through my stuff. Why must life be so unfair?_
> 
> _Anyway, I need you to forget me. Forget that I ever existed, free yourself from the memories we had and live again. Without me. I give you the permission. Don't feel guilty if you don't remember the sound of my voice or the way I look. I'm begging you to forget me. Forget me.Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me. Forget me..._

She went on to fill page after page with the words _forget me_ scribbled over and over again, like in a trance. Her handwriting had become less and less readable as she had gone on, but Levi made sure to read each and every word. Each and every line. Some parts of the paper were crumpled and smeared by what looked like tears or sweat. He always held the paper to his nose in the hopes of catching a bit of her essence, but there was nothing anymore. Until the last line of the letter.

_I am so stupid. Please always remember me. Always remember that I existed. I love you._

_Zoe Hanji_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, thanks for sticking around!


End file.
